Species

Preface: This piece was written by me in September 2002. The trigger was some news about the marriage plans of one of my friends. Even though it has been a while, let me reiterate that I still stand by the views expressed below. I am adding this piece to the blog now so as to let it finally have a permanent resting place. Peace be with you!

I have great regard for Charles Darwin. He came up with the idea of “Survival of the fittest”. I am actually very happy that nature has relaxed this policy since. Otherwise, I would not have stood much of a chance. Darwin also told us about the process of natural selection. Come to think of it, the nature somehow had a funny way of selecting who should survive and who should not. It would have been better off selecting dinosaurs rather than human beings. Maybe it thought, with our size, we could not possibly create much damage.

Anyway, it is not my intention to enlighten you on Darwin’s theory. As a humble student of evolution, let me tell you about some hidden truths of evolution. I sincerely believe that this truth has not received enough attention because I see the damages caused by it all around me. Let me make myself clear before I start. What I shall write below is for the common good of my fellow male species. To any female who may happen to read this, I am not blaming you. I know it comes “naturally” to you.

My brethren, if you have ever cared to think about it and I am sure you have not, you will realize how much choice you have in deciding how the next generations will evolve; or to make it simple, how much choice you have in selecting your life partner if you decide to go about doing it yourselves. Believe me, you just don’t have a choice. The call is always made by the female of the species. I have seen many people who have tried to exercise their choice. But it always lasted only as long as the first female coming and telling him that he is a special chap. We don’t seem to have that part of the brain to hold out against such attacks, and this is probably one of the most prominent parts of a female brain. Maybe we do not use our brains at all in such crunch situations, we just surrender.

Now don’t think that this is a problem with our generation. It has been like this all along. Not many of the male species have stood up against the female. Forget us, the mortals. Even the immortal gods could not do it. Think about Lord Siva. He was a confirmed bachelor. To avoid any trouble, he decided to go and sit on top of mount Kailasam. He surrounded himself with quite a large number of handsome looking bhootas or ghosts. You should hand it to him; he just did not want to take a chance. But what happened? All this lasted only till the moment Sati decided to marry him. He was a sitting duck. Just could not handle the pressure. Then he went freaking mad after Sati got that brilliant idea of entering fire. After he became normal, he decided that was it. He had had enough. But again, he lasted only till Parvathi came along. Now, the point I am making is the effect of all this on evolution. You can always expect something to go wrong when the choice is made by a female. Let us take the case of the same gods. The end result of the association between Siva and Parvathi was another god called Ganapathy, who was a cross between an elephant and man. This chap could think of nothing else other than food. But fortunately, Lord Siva sensed the danger here. He decided that he would not let Ganapathy marry so as to avoid more such genetic confusions.

By now, I guess you may have got a wind of what I am trying to tell you. I talked about that part of the brain that enables you to tell “no” to members of the other species. This part is really developed in the female species. I have seen this part in action many times. There was this friend of mine who somehow got it into his head that he was desperately in love with this female. He had decided to exercise his choice. Emboldened by the free advises of his friends, he decided to go and talk to the female in question. He was feeling pretty confident when he called her to the corner of a room.

“I wanted to tell you something”, he said.

There was no response. Her brain had started to analyze the situation. As there was no response, he continued.

“I love you”

“So what should I do?”, came the prompt answer.

That was a pretty logical question. He had to admit that. Still he had never thought about it. The reason is he was not “thinking” at all while she was. So he could not still see that things were going wrong here. He had to continue.

“Don’t you like me?”

“NO”

That was the end of it and she walked out. Our chap could not believe it. His brain got hung and had to be rebooted. The male brains cannot take such loads usually. The difference here is that she was able to think and reason out of the situation in which a male brain would typically freeze.

Now there was this another chap, a colleague of mine. After many unsuccessful attempts on his part, his parents decided to take the matter into their hands and duly married the guy off in good time. I was curious and asked the chap later how he managed to select the girl.

“I used to like every girl I saw”

was his answer. So obviously the choice was not with him. He just could not say the word “no” or his brain used to go cold when he sees every female.

There is this story about the famous G B Shaw. I think it was G B Shaw and I believe it is only a story. It seems one beautiful female once approached him and told him that she wanted to marry him.

“Think of our child who will inherit my beauty and your brains”, she said.

“What will happen if it became the other way around?”

Shaw is supposed to have asked. I told you that I still believe that this is just a story. No male in his right senses could have come up with such a logical question in that situation. So I prefer to believe that it was just a story or Shaw was out of his senses. But if the story is true, then he is my superhero, a real superman.

The purpose of my telling you all this is to let you know of the danger. Probably there is nothing that you can do about it. That is just the way we are all built. I just wanted to enlighten you about a point that probably Darwin had missed. You have been warned and probably it is too late. There is nothing more I can do about it because even I am not a superhero.

Inspiration - A Short Story

'You are in the old section, sir!'

The receptionist said. He was wearing a pale blue shirt with a red badge on top of his breast pocket that showed a smiley face. He was scowling at the computer screen and his face was grave. I thought it extremely thoughtful of the management to put that smiley on his chest. He was definitely not enjoying the beautiful Ooty morning. It happens to me if I get up in the morning through the wrong side of bed. Wrong side is the right for me which makes me a leftist. It also happens if I don't get my paper in the morning to take to toilet. I could empathize with this man and wondered what his trouble might be today morning. I had booked through a travel site and was looking for a place away from the town. I am writing a book and the first rule of writing a book is to stay away from the maddening crowd. That is how I have heard great authors write. I was not taking a risk especially because it is my first book. This place had turned out to be really remote. I had driven through gutted, unpaved roads with only occasional signs of human habitation for a while before reaching here. I hoped that this is what great authors meant by being away from the crowd. 

'Did you drink your coffee in the morning?'

I ask to rule out another possibility for his sour mood.

'Yes, I did sir.'

He said without a change in expression. So that is not the source of his problem.

'You are in room 1401 in the old section. An attendant will be here shortly to take your baggage. Is there anything else you need?'

'Well, yes I think so. Seeing the roads that I came though, I don't think they are suitable for a car like mine. Would you be able to arrange alternate transport for me when I need to go out?'

I asked because I did not relish having to drive back over the road I came through. In fact, I had splashed some water from the road on to a couple of kids at some place along the route. So I had this fear that they would be waiting for my car to throw stones at if I go back that way again. Even though the water was muddy, the kids really needed a bath.

'Yes, sir. We can arrange a horse for you if you don't want a car.'

'Oh no, not a horse.'

I felt terror in my heart, if heart is where terror is felt. Horses and myself, we do not agree with each other. Probably it is something from my previous life since I do not remember having done anything wrong to them in this life. Whenever I have mounted one, they have bolted after a while with myself clinging to it for dear life. The last time I went for a horse ride, I thought I saw my horse look at other horses around and grin. It was as if it was saying - yes, I have got the message from the central command and I will give this guy a real ride, you guys just watch. It bolted after merely ten steps and that too through the middle of traffic. I would have cut a fine figure, riding through the middle of morning traffic on a big horse if I was not clinging to its neck and crying out for someone to make it stop. I got the message on that day and never tried riding a horse after that.

'I meant, can you rent me a car with a driver if I want?'

'Sure, you may contact our travel desk to arrange it.'

The guy dismissed me with that, in fact he got up and walked away from his desk to make the dismissal complete. I sat there for a little while waiting for the promised attendant to arrive. When no one came, I decided to go and ask the security at the entrance. It was a cold and foggy morning. I would have loved to describe the scenery around me at this point. For example - 'The hills full of pine trees that swayed in the gentle breeze as though they were participating in a dance choreographed by nature. The lovely and lush green meadows where the sheep grazed and invited you to share their silence.' But unfortunately, I could not see anything around because of the heavy fog. I note down these two lines in my mind so that I can use them later. I have some doubts about a meadow being silent when sheep are grazing on it, don't they feel the urge to bray once in a while? Somebody has written a book called 'silence of the lambs', so maybe these creatures are really silent and peaceful. I should do a little research on this topic, after all you are supposed to do research while writing a book.

'I was asked to wait for an attendant to take me to my room. But I have not seen anybody so far.'

I ask the security standing at the door. He is wearing a uniform like what is worn by army folks. I wonder if he is doing a part time job in addition to his normal army work. He takes my key from me and looks at the number engraved on the brass key chain. He looks at my face and then back at the key. He seems to hesitate just a tiny bit, but then hands the key back to me.

'An attendant is not necessary for you to go to your room, sir. You can take your luggage and walk down those flight of steps. You will need to go down three flights of steps before you reach your room.'

'Ah, thanks. You are right.'

I say and walk to my car to take my luggage. The logic and the precise instructions impress me and also convince me that he is from the army. I have great respect for our army.

I walk down the stone steps and find my room at the bottom of the steps. The place looks a bit unused and there are weeds on the ground in front of the rooms. It is also somewhat muddy so that I have to jump from one stone to another to avoid dirtying my shoes. Again very thoughtful of the management to place those stones on the ground. One slight problem is that some stones are shaped like pyramids so that you have to balance on top of them before making the jump to the next. A very interesting procedure. The room opens after a small fight with the door, I like that kind of security for a room.

The room has a single bed in the middle and a chair by the window. The blinds on the window seem to be a bit old and dusty. I understand that it may be part of the room's theme, after all this is the old section. Then there is the TV on the wall, a phone by the bed and a cupboard. The cupboard is open and I walk across to close it. As I turn around, it opens slowly as if it has a mind of its own. I slam it shut, but it opens back. I continue working with it for a few minutes trying various violent and non-violent methods. But nothing seems to work. Then I realize the foolishness in trying to mend the ways of your surroundings. As a writer, one should get integrated with ones surroundings than try to change it according to ones whims and fancies. I thank the cupboard for giving me such a valuable lesson.

'Oh cupboard, I will not interfere with your ways. You are free to remain open or closed as you please.'

With that, I walk to the bathroom. And the cupboard opens a bit more as though responding to my words. I need to take a bath. The biggest problem I have with a hotel room is to get a hang of the multitude of knobs in the bathroom. Normally, there is something for hot water, something for cold, something to make it flow through the pipe, something for a hand shower and still something else for shower. Sometimes you turn them, sometimes you pull at them, sometimes you push, sometimes it is a fantastic innovation that you just cannot figure out and sometimes it is a combination of all these. I am happy to see that there are only two knobs here, one marked red and one green. Wait, there is also one lever on top of them. That must be for the shower, I will get to that a bit later after I have conquered the basics. I know the red and green colours, so I open the green one to check how cold the cold water is. The pipe responds after a few turns and out flows water, well not very cold. I let it run into the bucket for a while and then pour a bit from it onto my feet with a cup. Oops! I jump straight up and almost hit the ceiling of the bathroom, it is scalding hot. I frantically try to open the other knob but it does not turn further after half a turn. My feet are hurting, so I go for a run around the bedroom. While on the run, I notice the small fridge in the corner. Immediately, I open it and try to put my feet into it. That does not work while standing, so I put one foot inside. There is immediate relief, but I quickly realize that it was only from a sense of accomplishment of having managed to put one foot inside. The feet are still hurting, even the one inside the fridge. The fridge is off and I cannot find the switch to turn it on, in fact there are no switches anywhere close to the fridge. So I keep that research for a later time and resume the run. After about ten rounds, I am feeling a bit better and I go back to the bathroom. I close the green knob and empty the bucket onto the floor. I try the red one again and it does not budge. With mounting anger, I give a real whack to the knob with the heel of my hand. Lo, water gushes out and the knob starts to respond. It is a common wisdom that one should not react in anger, but I have seen that it works sometimes. I spend another half hour whacking and kicking at the knobs and pipes till I am comfortable with the method for getting water that is not too hot. I would have preferred for the water to be a bit hotter, but I stop and take a bath since my hands are already bruised.

I have just about finished dressing when there is a knock on the door. I open it and there is an attendant standing outside.

'How are you sir'

He says and extends his right hand out to me. I realize that I had not tipped him, how bad of me!

'Sorry man, I waited for you a bit out there.'

I say and give him 50 rupees. He does not look very satisfied and I start to fear if he is going to shout at me. But eventually, he puts the money into his pocket.

'Is there anything that I can help you with, sir?'

I am starting to like this place, everyone seems to be eager to help.

'Yes, I have a question. How do you turn the fridge on? I wanted to cool my feet, but could not find how to turn it on.'

'Your feet, sir?'

'Don't worry about that, how do I turn it on?'

'I will show you sir, the switch is inside the bath room.'

He comes in and shows me the switch. As I turn it on, the fridge in the bedroom starts to whine. Now I see the sense of it. If I had known, I could have switched it on from the bathroom itself before I started my run. That would have reduced a few rounds.

'Hope you understand how to get hot water in the bath room, sir.'

'Yes, I got it. You have got a nice puzzle there.'

I always feel nice when I have cracked a puzzle, which is not always. So I make a note that I should give a nice feedback about the puzzle in the bathroom when I check out.

'It is nice to know that everything is in order, sir. We have not opened this room in a while.'

'Oh, were you doing some renovation?'

'No, sir. We had an incident here last year. One lady committed suicide. You see that piece of cloth on the ceiling, it is a part of what she used to hang. We have preserved the room as it is, sir. This is a heritage room.'

I felt a chill go through me. Then I realized it was because the door was open. I am not the superstitious kind. If everyone who commits suicide in this country releases a ghost, then we would be tripping over ghosts everyday. Think you are taking a bath in the local pond and you have this sudden urge to pee. You are too lazy to go back up to the shore. So you look around, frown at the sky, sing a song and start peeing. Boo! there is a big splash and a terrible spirit comes out of the water and bellows.

'How dare you pee in the pond where I committed suicide!'

Has it happened to you ever? Not to me, and yea I know you have peed in the pond too. Anyway, ghost or no ghost, sitting in the room and shivering is not ideal for writing.

'Don't you have a heater in the room?'

'No sir, there used to be an old fire place in the room. It crumbled a while back. So we have placed the cupboard in front of it to hide it.'

I agree that it is an excellent solution. Nevertheless I am a bit sensitive to cold and start shivering in what some others call a moderately cold climate. Many of my friends have alleged that it is due to fear and not cold. Fear of things like cats, dogs, cockroaches, ants and what not. Though I would not wholly approve of this argument, I agree that I do have this fear of ants. Especially the small ones that don't bite.

'You can call the house keeping for an extra blanket, sir. Please call before it gets dark.'

There is a solution and I can understand that bit about timing. The balancing act on the pyramids may not be very easy after it gets dark, even with few of the electric lights around. So I make a note to call the house keeping before it gets dark. I am feeling extremely pleased with myself and I decide to give the guy another 50 rupees. He accepts the money and gently puts it in his pocket. It appears to me that he is satisfied now. 

I thank the man and close the front door. Behind me, the cupboard closes on its own.